


That Wasn't Me

by Blue_Night



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Gen, How Do I Tag, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, This was going to be Prinxiety and Logicality but now it's LAMP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22352041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night
Summary: An attempt to prank Thomas goes horribly wrong and Roman suffers the consequences
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 83
Kudos: 104





	1. Anger

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shade637](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shade637/gifts).



> This is my first post and has no beta. This was a oneshot prompt I got from Shade637 who is a cool guy, gal or non-binary pal  
> TW!!!!!  
> Heavily implied suicidal thoughts  
> Self deprecation  
> Telling someone to kill themselves (kind of)  
> If I missed any, LET ME KNOW!

"Why should I partake in this nonsense?" Logan enquired, not moving his focus from the book.  
"Think of it as an experiment Logie!" Patton offered, "We pretend to be eachother and see if Thomas acts differently!" Logan gave it a moment of thought before begrudgingly agreeing "for science". Roman gave a wary nod and they all looked to Virgil. He shrugged.  
"Whatever."  
"If we are to do this, we'll need to agree on who will be who." Logan prompted the others, setting his book aside.  
"Can I be Logan?" Virgil asked.  
"Sure kiddo! Oo, I can be Roman!" Patton replied, grinning like a little kid, "What about you a Roman?"  
"Virgil, I guess."  
"By process of elimination, that leaves me as Patton."

Roman took a deep breath. They were just messing with Thomas, nothing more.  
"Kiddo, you okay?" seeing Patton in his own princely attire felt wrong, but he had agreed to this. Now he could vent and no one would suspect a thing. Everyone was getting into character. Patton was practicing Roman's various poses, Virgil was attempting to stand up straight without fidgeting while Logan was off to the side, trying to loosen up and mimic Patton's bubbly body language. Roman just sat in a chair, hunched over and waiting to be summoned.

The patchwork hoodie sat oddly on his shoulders and the eyeshadow felt wrong on his face. All of this was wrong! He should be stood by the TV, making Disney references and being extra. Letting the others see him uneasy and on edge made him feel exposed, but he continued to comment when Patton was too loud or theatric. He thought he was doing this right, but did Virgil silence him this much or was he going overboard?  
"Calm down Roman!" Roman commented as Patton grew particularly irritating. Thomas didn't seem suspicious so Patton must have been doing a good job. But was Roman really like that? Would he really make Disney references when Logan was trying to bring up something important? Did he really act all loud and pompous and arrogant? Well, it was better then letting the others see how broken he was...

Patton wasn't doing it on purpose. He wouldn't see it as annoying. Patton wasn't making fun of him. But GOODNESS, was he really THAT obnoxious!?  
"Roman, that's ENOUGH!" Roman screamed, slamming his fist into the wall, "Quit parading around like you're perfect! You're broken and nothing can fix you! You can't be original if you tried even though that's your fucking job! Honestly, you're worthless! Nothing! I'm surprised you're not fading! You know what, why not finish the job yourself!? No one will miss you! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING DIE!?" Roman clapped a hand over his mouth, breathing heavily as tears welled up in his eyes. Virgil and Logan were confused and concerned while Patton...  
Patton looked so sad and hurt...  
"Virgil..." Thomas's tone was warning, dangerous. "Why would you say those things to Roman?"  
"Thomas, it's fi -" Patton began but Thomas cut him off  
"No Roman! He doesn't have a right to say those things to ANY of you! VIRGIL!" Roman flinched at the shout. "I know you and Roman haven't always seen eye to eye, but what gives you the right to tell him to kill himself!? NOTHING! NO ONE HAS THAT RIGHT! SO IF YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE THIS JUST SHUT UP!" Roman was biting his tongue, blinking away tears as Thomas screamed at him. Would he feel differently if he knew who was really speaking? Thomas only stopped his infuriated ranting when Roman let out a small broken sob. The disguised prince sunk out, refusing to meet anyone's gaze. He left Thomas furious at who he presumed was Virgil. He left Virgil running through every possible outcome, none of them good. He left Logan brainstorming causes and solutions to himself and he left Patton...  
He left Patton wondering what he did wrong...


	2. Turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People actually liked this!?
> 
> Okay, here's another chapter. Don't know how many more there will be but enjoy.  
> TW in end notes because they're spoilery

Patton watched in horror as Roman screamed everything he was thinking. He obviously knew that Roman was yelling at himself but the father figure couldn't help but wonder what he'd done to elicit this reaction from the prince...

What had he done wrong..?

The father figure tried to banish the thought from his mind but he couldn't. He watched as Roman sunk out, feeling the heavy weight of failure in his chest. He'd failed as a father. His kiddo thought all those things about himself and it was PATTON'S fault! He sunk out without a word, finding himself in the embrace of nostalgia that his room always gave, but it only increased the weight of guilt bearing down on his shoulders. He saw photos of his famILY, but every smile that Roman gave to the camera suddenly felt fake. The frozen moments of laughter stopped seeming genuine. Patton collapsed onto his bed, curling himself into a ball and soaking his pillow in tears. No, this was wrong. He should be with Roman, his kiddo NEEDED him. He shouldn't be lying on his bed feeling sorry for himself. "U - Useless!" He screamed at himself. "Useless, useless, USELESS!" The last cry was punctuated with Patton slamming his head into the wall out of frustration, only succeeding in breaking a small chunk of the drywall and giving himself a headache

Roman had returned to his own room, only just making it to his bed before he just fell, not having the energy to do anything other then cry. So he did, staining his white bedsheets black with a mixture of makeup and tears. A hand covered his mouth as he tried to stifle his sobs so no one would hear, catching sight of himself in the mirror across the room.  
He was wearing Virgil's hoodie... WRONG  
He was crying with makeup running down his face... BROKEN  
He couldn't do anything right... NOTHING  
He screamed into his pillow as more words and thoughts ran through his mind, desperately willing them to stop.  
"There is a way to make it stop..." That voice from the back of his head, the one that sounded suspiciously like his own but also nothing like his.  
"N - No!" Roman cried. "I promised myself I wouldn't!"  
"A promise to yourself only hurts yourself when it's broken. And you don't really care about that, do you?" He held his arms with a death grip, trying to imitate the feeling he craved. It wasn't going to be enough, he knew that. He could try though...

Logan had sunk out, leaving Virgil to explain. He felt slightly guilty leaving the anxious side by himself but he HAD to be there for Patton. The father figure had just left without any kind of explanation and Logan knew something was wrong. Why he was making Patton his priority, he had no idea but he stopped wondering when he was in front of Patton's door. He could here Patton's voice, choked with tears, repeating the same set of words over and over. "Nothing, worthless, stupid, useless!" Each word was followed by a bang. Logan opened the door to find Patton beating his head against the wall, tears streaming down his face. Logan took the moral side by the shoulders and turned him around to make him stop. There was a bruise forming on his forehead and he was still whispering the words to himself.  
"Patton, you're going to hurt yourself if you keep doing that." The response to Logan's statement is one he never would've expected.  
"I - I know... That's w - what I w - wanted..."

Virgil felt his stomach sink when Logan sunk out too. He turned to Thomas, who wore an evidently confused. "Logan?" Thomas asked. "What just happened?" Virgil sighed, removing the fake frames from his face. "I'm not Logan. Logan just left." Thomas tilted his head to the side. "Then who -" Thomas's question was answered when Virgil summoned his old hoodie from his room, pulling it on and letting himself hunch his shoulders. Thomas had never noticed how small it made Virgil look. Pointing at the stairs, Thomas asked, "But if you're there, who was-?"  
"Roman." Thomas felt his heart skip a beat. "R - Roman..? I - I said all th - that to R - Roman!?" Virgil held up his hands in a calming gesture. "I know this is really hypocritical coming from me, but don't worry. I'll go check on Roman and we'll explain later. For now, just remember to breathe." Virgil left Thomas stood in the middle of the living room, concerned and scared.

Virgil knocked frantically on Roman's door but got no response. He knocked again. Nothing... Virgil took a deep breath before throwing the door open.

His heart shattered...

No! This wasn't happening! It couldn't be! It shouldn't be! It -  
"ROMAN!!" No one had ever heard the emo so panicked and distraught, but there was still no answer from the prince

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!!!!  
> Self harm (not explicitly said, just implied)  
> Patton and Roman being extremely not okay  
> Hating oneself
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos. I love all my readers even though I live for making you suffer 💜💙😈


	3. Despair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW IN END NOTES!!!!  
> Stay safe my amazing readers

"Patton, what do you mean?" Logan asked, tilting Patton's tear stained face up to face him. Patton choked on a small sob, avoiding eye contact with the teacher.  
"I - I w - wanted to h - hurt m - myself..." Before Logan could say another word, the sound of Virgil desperately crying out Roman's name echoed through the Mindpalace...

Roman was lying on his bed, still and unmoving. The sleeves of Virgil's hoodie were rolled up and a plethora of scars and cuts were displayed on the prince's arms, blood pouring from the wounds and staining the silk bed sheets crimson. His eyes were moving rapidly, threatening to roll backwards into his head. But the two things that made Virgil scream... A razorblade held in Roman's limp grasp and a scrap of paper on the bedside table.

"If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I meant to stop at one but I obviously didn't. I've left something for you all in my wardrobe. There's a locked box, the key is in the pocket under my sash  
\- Roman ❤️"

__________

Roman had been fighting with himself for what felt like forever. He promised he wouldn't and a prince doesn't break a promise... But one wouldn't hurt him, right..?

He'd removed the razorblade from the top drawer of his dresser. Just one and then he'd stop. He pressed the blade to his skin, hesitating for a moment before swiftly pulling it across his arm, drawing blood. He hated how good it felt, to finally have this release after so long...

He needed more...

One became two, two turned to three... Then he paused... If he kept going, this wouldn't end well...

He didn't care...

He knew how this would end, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He scribbled out the note, knowing that everything he needed to say was stored in a box that had been there for a long, long time...

__________

"ROMAN! ROMAN, YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME!!" Roman was obviously unresponsive to Virgil's cries. The prince's eyes rolled back, finally losing grip on consciousness. Out of the corner of his eye, Virgil saw Patton and Logan, stood in the doorway. "STOP STARING AND HELP, GOD DAMN IT!!" Logan seemed to, for lack of a better word, reboot at Virgil's shouts. "Try to stop the bleeding as much as you can, I'll get the first aid kit." No one questioned the wobble in the teacher's voice. Patton came to Roman's other side, pulling off the red sash and using it to attempt to cut off the flow of blood. The fabric was too thin. Blood pooled between Patton's fingers and he screamed. Logan returned with the first aid kit, gently moving the now sobbing sides out of the way. He carefully cleaned the wounds as well as he could with the blood still pouring from the slits, stitching up the deeper wound with butterfly stitches, taking extra care due to his shaking hands. Virgil and Patton watched the rise and fall of the prince's chest as he breathed, keeping an eye out in case it stopped. Before they knew it, Logan was finished and Roman had bandages up and down his arms. Logan grabbed the prince's wrist, checking his pulse. Virgil and Patton watched with baited breath. Logan smiled slightly, letting out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. "I think... he'll be okay..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self harm  
> Suicide attempt  
> Virgil and Patton crying


	4. Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...sorry this fic died for so long. This is just a short chapter to assure you this fic will continue

Virgil paced back and forth across the living room, glancing over at Roman's still form every five seconds. The prince was still breathing and Logan had obliged and checked his pulse every time Virgil asked, though he was beginning to grow tired. Patton, however, just watched with thinly veiled concern. "Virg, maybe you should get some re-"  
"You think I can do that right now!? I don't know if you noticed, but Roman nearly fucking died!!"  
"I know kiddo, I should've worded that different, I suppose..." Patton mumbled, words trailing off. Virgil pulled his hood up, moving to Patton's side to cuddle up to the father figure. The anxious side was in his old hoodie, which was layered over the clothes he'd borrowed from Logan (minus the tie). He desperately wanted to retrieve his newer hoodie from Roman but his irrational fear of accidentally hurting Roman overrode the discomfort of the old clothing. Logan and Patton were in thier regular clothes again too, the prince's uniform sat neatly folded next to the creative side's head. Patton had retrieved the key from the pocket, curious and obviously concerned.  
Logan moved over to Patton's other side, tentatively wrapping his arm around the father figure and resting his head on the other's shoulder.

They fell asleep in that cuddle pile, knowing that it would've been better if a certain prince were there too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. Stay safe 💙💜

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware this sucks. Feel free to roast me in the comments


End file.
